Day Eighteen: Im not sure but I think Ill take books instead

Still deliberating about Barneys, or any clothing store and lunch and taking my Christmas gift from my sister in law and my brother. I got an email for a sale at a great boutique in Santa Monica. I thought that might be easier than a department store which–as much as they try to deny it – Barneys is a department store, always has been, always will be. Really, to me right now the difference between a boutique and a department store is about eight steps to the front door or fifty. Needless to say, fifty steps is panic.

I looked over my Amazon wish list for books I have been collecting over the last year or so and saw a few coffee table books on fashion, the Hermes book of their scarves, a couple of recent Vogue books, one is called the Illustrated Eye, book about DV The Eye Has to Travel and something else I cant recall. But I got very excited when I saw those again much more so in fact than when I think about buying clothes. Defintely less anxiety.
Sigh. I think I have my answer. Amazing how the feelings just keep trying to push their way in. Why wont  I just let myself have the books and be happy? Why do I feel like I need to take the article of clothing even if it is the last one Ill have until January 1, 2014? I have so many damn clothes I dont need anything else so what is the conflict?
There it is again, I might not have enough, I need more, I deserve more, what if I run out? This dialogue sounds desperate, like a person in emotional deficit for something as critical as donuts. But if I replace the donuts with real qualities like, I dont know how to comfort myself when Im cranky, I dont know how to stop and relax when I need to, I dont have the ability to get out of my head. The truth is, I dont have enough, I do need more, I do deserve it and I will run out if I dont listen to myself. If I go after qualities instead of quantities then these fears I have about having and getting clothes which are actually fears about myself and who I am, existing or not existing. If I focus on the qualities and not the external things for now, I should be able to ignite the qualities that will heal me, soothe me, keep me balanced and sane and make them into a reality.
Whats most important here – as a person devoted to turning shit into gold – what is important is not that I shop but that when the issue comes up that I learn from the scenario. What is there for me is to honestly see myself in it and make every effort to see what it is there that I really need for myself to grow and to change.
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One response

  1. Here are some comments from my newest Style/Life friend Diane, another NSFY (no shopping for a year) brilliant achiever:

    Great blog – I just signed up for it. My favorite quotes are:

    But if I replace the donuts with real qualities like, I dont know how to comfort myself when Im cranky, I dont know how to stop and relax when I need to, I dont have the ability to get out of my head. This is an excellent point. Because my office is right by 3rd street promenade, I used to destress by walking to Anthropologie and dropping money on things, almost on auto pilot, when things were getting to stressful at the office. The better way to address that is to figure out how to calm myself down with my breathing, get up and take a walk around, call my mom, etc. So far that is really working for me. I also plan to start back to yoga tomorrow a.m. after doing almost no exercise for a year. I had some good excuses such as my surgeries and the accident, but now its time to get back at it.

    Don’t strive to be normal, do everything you can to get away from it.”
    Love this quote too (Jodi Foster?). I always feel away from normal anyway, and took me over 30 years to realize it is okay and to just go with it.

    By the way, another thing that helps me not to shop is the SALES TAX. Think about it – if you buy a $200 shoes, for example, with a sales tax that is 9% you are now paying the government an extra $18 for no reason. Maybe does not sound like a lot but the more you buy, the more it adds up. This on top of the fact that I work like crazy and about 4 months out of my pay goes to taxes is enough to make me think twice before buying anything. You may want to mention this aspect on the blog. For me it is a good deterrent. I bought my new rug on line and no sales tax. J

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