Still deliberating about Barneys, or any clothing store and lunch and taking my Christmas gift from my sister in law and my brother. I got an email for a sale at a great boutique in Santa Monica. I thought that might be easier than a department store which–as much as they try to deny it – Barneys is a department store, always has been, always will be. Really, to me right now the difference between a boutique and a department store is about eight steps to the front door or fifty. Needless to say, fifty steps is panic.
I looked over my Amazon wish list for books I have been collecting over the last year or so and saw a few coffee table books on fashion, the Hermes book of their scarves, a couple of recent Vogue books, one is called the Illustrated Eye, book about DV The Eye Has to Travel and something else I cant recall. But I got very excited when I saw those again much more so in fact than when I think about buying clothes. Defintely less anxiety.
Sigh. I think I have my answer. Amazing how the feelings just keep trying to push their way in. Why wont I just let myself have the books and be happy? Why do I feel like I need to take the article of clothing even if it is the last one Ill have until January 1, 2014? I have so many damn clothes I dont need anything else so what is the conflict?
There it is again, I might not have enough, I need more, I deserve more, what if I run out? This dialogue sounds desperate, like a person in emotional deficit for something as critical as donuts. But if I replace the donuts with real qualities like, I dont know how to comfort myself when Im cranky, I dont know how to stop and relax when I need to, I dont have the ability to get out of my head. The truth is, I dont have enough, I do need more, I do deserve it and I will run out if I dont listen to myself. If I go after qualities instead of quantities then these fears I have about having and getting clothes which are actually fears about myself and who I am, existing or not existing. If I focus on the qualities and not the external things for now, I should be able to ignite the qualities that will heal me, soothe me, keep me balanced and sane and make them into a reality.
Whats most important here – as a person devoted to turning shit into gold – what is important is not that I shop but that when the issue comes up that I learn from the scenario. What is there for me is to honestly see myself in it and make every effort to see what it is there that I really need for myself to grow and to change.