Day Seventeen: Back at Barneys? Already?

So my sister in law and brother gave me a sweater for Christmas that I returned. I didnt think it fit right. We didnt have a chance to exchange before my New Years no shopping deadline. I would have preferred it but I was way too sick with the cold that has swept the nation. So she wants to take me out now and well…go back to Barneys…75% off, the lowest you can go…She wants to give me something and I told her the best thing to do would be to go together and she could buy it for me after I found what I wanted. I decided that was better than a gift card. At least with a friend I was accountable and not stuck in my head alone with the old arguments. Then as we chatted on about whatever, I recalled two coffee table books about fashion that I wish listed on Amazon. I told her that she could buy those for me instead. I told her that I could take gifts of clothes but I was wondering if I could handle it yet. Back to Barneys, what will that be like? Will it be hard for me if I am relying on someone else to buy it? I know I wont go over the price of the gift for another thing if someone buys it for me. Will it be fun for me or just scary?

I think the important thing here is to be honest with myself.  Be honest about my feelings. Like a distant echo I hear the desire to find and own something new but it now feels detached, like its coming from a distant canyon. I so appreciate being farther from that place and I dont want to get near it or return to it for any reason.  I would actually love to have those books and believe it or not I might want them more than clothes. I am kind of shocked about that. I try to think maybe there is something I need and that would make the process of shopping easier and more focused. But the only thing I need, gold medium sized hoops from Tiffanys are way out of the price range I would ever ask for a gift from my brother and sister in law. I have to think about this one and be real honest with myself. She wants to do this for me and I dont want to take her pleasure away from her – or from me.
If anyone has suggestions or thoughts please feel free to make them. I could use the support. In any case Ill keep you updated on what the decision is and how it went.

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