Day Nine: What Was I Never Taught?

On my way to yoga class today feeling so very sad, in my heart and in my head. I feel loss, inadequacy, boredom, tired, sleepy, silenced and invisible. During the ten minute trip  a thought popped up like the head of a chihuahua swathed in a pink furry boa hat. Maybe at the yoga studio I can buy some yoga clothing! I deserve it, I feel awful, it will help you perk right up and then you’ll be fine. Wow…I watched that happen in pure technicolor. I can see how living through that experience just demeans the value of my feelings in my own mind and heart. In that holding pattern they are not as important as my ability to distract myself.

I kept wondering what is that “new” going to do for me that the yoga class does not seem to register on my emotional aid radar? What is this “new” that is such a turn-on beyond the known and the substantial, the thing that is proven to work and be healthy and make me happy, calm, grounded? Many times facing a yoga class means I face the unknowns of my body and mind. After a recent bad cold, that can be a pretty dark place and sometimes I dread that journey.
The energy of acquiring a new piece of clothing is like buying a wave that I am guaranteed to be able to surf high on for a few hours. It makes me feel confident, assured and in control of my world. The clothing is pretty charismatic at that point, its a fast fix for a big problem. I keep wondering what is the pattern of healthiness that I am missing here, especially now that I know how my unhealthy pattern serves me?
I wandered into class with a heavy heart wondering what was it that I was never taught as a child?
I try to go to this particular yoga class weekly because the teacher is among many things very perceptive to the energy in the room. He always seems to help answer questions I have bouncing around in my mind. Today he reminded me of things like: there is no judgment in my heart, so rest there with the sensations you are experiencing. Simply BE in your perception. Treat your perception with simplicity. He reminded me to move through my feeling, not to mess with it or try with it or make and call it anything. Then of course I wondered, how do I transform one feelings into another and keep it there?
By the time we got to Savasana at the end of class, I was sad that I could not see what in the world would ever rescue me from myself, from my memories, my thoughts and the pain. The teacher replied: the past is where the sadness is, the future is the hope and you are right here now. Stand more with your observer for awhile.
I am gratefully reminded that I am not alone.
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