Day Two: Something “New?”

Today is the first day of my celebration of not shopping for a year. The time and space that I give to myself to be more than what I am. Out with the old and in with the NEW?

Yesterday I went to get  a manicure and all the nail salons on Main Street in Santa Monica were packed with women searching for “new”, clean nails for the New Year, for their dates, for their New Years parties. I had the same idea, to start out with cleaned up polished skin for the New Year,  but waiting in lines is a bummer, especially on New Years Eve. Instead,  I popped into a sneaker store ironically entitled Undefeated. Well, it was a sale. I have needed one pair of black Converse low tops and well, isnt that like buying vitamins for your wardrobe I thought? They were half off and the pair of high tops I got just as good but no, not on sale. They are new and yes, comparatively cheap to other shoes I like to buy and certainly shoes I will get alot of wear from. And on and on and on….

The same old arguments…

And spending the money I dont really feel like I have…

These arguments, chatter really are going to be replaced with a “new” thing — whatever that is…

The “new” thing  will replace the loneliness, the uncertainty I have when I shop, the arguing, the fretting, the knee buckling in my mind. But what is this “new” that I seek?

I kept thinking as I wandered Main Street looking for my new clean nails what is this drive for “new”ness? How does that make me feel different, more hopeful, stronger? Or does it?

What is the difference in the kinds of power I bring to myself?

My friend and mentor Barbara Stanny uses this great phrase “cheap power.” That is definitely what the shopping enforces. Things of quality, whether they are emotions or feelings or character driven cultivate the opposite: “expensive power.” That is, power you have to earn, power that sticks and defines the next move whatever the next move is.

I know Im not a “cheap power” kind of girl. I want real things, things I can count on that I create.

But that feeling, the “new” feeling keeps creeping in wanting to drive me along and take me down a road I have been  on many times. I wonder what I believe that will give me that I dont already have?

I am not interested here on my “new” path of repressing or eradicating but resourcing all the feelings and patterns that I am.

So perhaps I can just enjoy this feeling itself? A feeling that gives me a rush with just the thought of having something new.

Today is the “New” Year. And there is that feeling — that little rush at the mere suggestion of  newness. Another chance, “new” possibilities and hope.  Change is possible and it seems so easy. And actually it probably is. I think its just a shift in perception that prevents most people from changing themselves for the better.  Maybe we should rename change and call it building instead, because the only way real change is made is with consistent daily attention to the change that is sought after. Little steps.  For me, that grounds the idea of “new” and makes it feel real and necessary, less fluid and elusive.

Happy New Year.

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